4 months ago . . .

It has been exactly four months since we got the call telling us who our new daughter would be. It was a hot, summer day and the kids were excited about school starting the following morning. Now it is a cold, winter day and they are excited about Christmas. But for me and Jed this Christmas is bittersweet because we still do not know when we will bring our little Gayle home.

I thought being on the wait list was hard, then I thought seeing her face and waiting three months to meet her was hard. But nothing can compare to how hard this part is. There are days when the pain of being separated from her is so bad I can hardly breathe. I have even learned to cry without letting a single tear fall so that I don't upset our other kids. The wait isn't any easier on Jed but he is better at having the tough exterior. I see him looking at her pictures and watching videos of her and I know exactly what he is feeling inside. The pain is just as strong as it would be if I had carried her inside me for nine months, given birth to her and then been separated from her. We were prepared to fall in love with her but not to fall this hard.

Gayle's stocking hangs on the mantle and come Christmas morning it will be filled with presents from Santa. Jared and Laine will have fun opening the presents and thinking about their sister. Jed and I will remind each other that this is the last Christmas without her. We pray now for a New Year that brings word from the US Embassy that we can bring her home.